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Yr Future: Moon and Star Shit

August Horoscopes
By Jenna Fletcher
Illustrations by Lauren Gonsalves.

5_leo

LEO

July 23 – August 22

Last month, fireworks and grilled meats were everyone’s ideal way to celebrate this mess of a country, but what now? You can celebrate freedom of the self while still balancing reverence and grief for the world at large. Carry that heaviness and lean forward into it. Let it carry you with fervor into people and places you’d like to be. If it’s warm where you are, don some short shorts and find a body of water to lounge in. If it’s cold where you are… I’m so sorry? Make yourself a fruity beverage and call up a friend you’ve been neglecting — there might just be someone in your life who could use the company. Use your fire sign energy and bless someone with the realness. Have you checked the expiration of your ID or passport? I’m not suggesting you plan a trip but I didn’t know mine was expired until I tried to buy myself a delightful whisky drink a few weeks ago, so just a friendly reminder that u might wanna check on that. If you don’t go to church, take some time to meditate on the holy importance of new hymns in the year of our lord 2016.

6_virgo

VIRGO

August 23 – September 22

Short and sweet: sometimes you’ve gotta take the “L,” but don’t let that be an excuse to not keep it movin’.

7_libra

LIBRA

September 23 – October 22

Are you listening to the new Blood Orange album? Are you? Like, right now? Put it on. Dance a slow, knowing dance. A deliberate dance. A “fuck you” dance. A “fuck me” dance. A dance to summon some spirits. Keep dancing. Even when the tempo slows, keep dancing. Do that thing with your hips that makes you feel like you’ve got it. Do that thing with your arms that feels weird but right. If you can’t do these things, think about doing these things. Like a body scan, run through all of the motions, all of the movements, the measures. Think about what it means to have a body. To be a body. To be willing.

8_scorpio

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Ughhhhhh, Scorpio, I’m sorry but what’s your deal? No, really, what’s your deal? It seems like you’re working overtime to keep your intentions concealed which might seem safe but at what cost? All yr chakras are gonna get clogged up or something. Don’t make yourself more confused or misguided in the process of holding out for others. With all due respect, just chill out a little. Buy yourself something leafy to eat or at least to keep in your home (if you do the latter, make it a houseplant – none of your roommates want you to leave your stinkin’ lettuce around the house, ya dig?). Offer some of your time to a worthy cause and consider getting out of your own head for a few. It looks great in there but every now and then we all need fresh air. If you’re not listening to the universe you’re fucking up a little bit – don’t take it personal, just get out there and fix it.

9_sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

November 22 – December 21

Oh sweet baby Sag, fire signs are where it’s at right now. While you’re out there cruising through the waves of glory, remember that being the best doesn’t always mean doing it all. You might consider paring down your efforts to focus on a few items that feel like a good fit. It certainly doesn’t mean you can’t go back to other projects, but you’re gonna burn out if you’re not careful. And as we all know, burning out is no way to shine. Learn the great power and safeguarding of saying “no” sometimes. Maybe get a little bit drunk and tattoo it to your arm like I did (y’know, if you want – I’m not liable for your bad decisions, only my own). Maybe you need to reset some expectations you’ve given your collaborators. Uncomfortable feelings often mean you’re doing some good work in yourself. Wear blue. Listen to the album that made you saddest in junior high. Come what may.

10_capricorn

CAPRICORN

December 22 – January 19

To quote the great prophets The Shirelles “mama said there’ll be days like this,” and here we are. It’s sobering when there are hiccups in your smooth sailing plans, but hard work is rarely easy work. Did you see any good movies last month? Did you learn any lessons about the way you’re treating people close to you? If you didn’t, revisit these ideas. If you did, revisit them anyway. Purple lipstick is going to be a major *key emoji* for you in the next 60 days.

11_aquarius

AQUARIUS

January 20 – February 18

How do u feel about cooking? Your body could use some extra love and that can look like a lot of different things! Schedule in a massage, some reading breaks, some quiet time to eat your fave snacks. Listen to your wants and they might factor carefully into your needs, you know? Okay, I just made that up, but I don’t think it’s wrong!!! I heard you didn’t avoid the Tonys in your life as per my suggestion in June, and I hate to say I told you so buttttttttttt I told you fuckin’ so. This month, look to the great investigative journalists of our time (AKA Kimberly Kardashian) for some inspiration.

12_pisces

PISCES

February 19 – March 20

Your hard work getting into your own personal formation last month is really paying off, and if you’re not already seeing the fruits of your various labors, I think you might soon. Don’t pop bottles just yet, lest you jinx yourself, but let that knowledge give you the second wind you might need to carry on to home plate. That was a sports reference I’m not 100% sure on, but I meant it as a good thing. Are you taking your vitamins? Are you getting enough sleep? If you get some unexpected free time in the near future, spend it on yourself. Time is money but money can’t buy you rest. (But it could buy you a new pillow which is important, y’know, as they say, you gotta protect ya neck!)

1_aries

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

I don’t know shit about your rising sign but I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to be a good butt month for you. Take that however you want to. How is that routine-making back from June going? It’s okay if you’re not doing as good as you wanted, but consider setting new goals for yourself. Maybe more attainable ones? If your routine feels like it’s giving you some structure and comfort, keep rolling with it (but add in some time for an ice cream break now and then). If you were a tree you’d definitely be one with the prettiest flowers, feel free to brag about it.

2_taurus

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Greetings, fellow Tauri — this is a good time to fuckin’ feel yourself. The sun is a million billion degrees and we’re certainly all going to die one day, but so what? GO GET IT! And then get it again! Here’s an important thing to consider. And another thing. And another. Got all that? Okay. You know what to do.

3_gemini

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

REVISIT THIS (RIP PIMP C). LAUGH TO THIS. DRINK A MOJITO. READ A BOOK AT A BAR IN THE AFTERNOON. DRIVE TO YOUR FAVORITE SPOT WITH A CUTIE. KISS THE CUTIE IF YOU’RE BOTH INTO IT. IF YOU’RE NOT INTO IT, NO WORRIES, HANGING OUT IS COOL TOO. WATCH YOUR MOUTH AND REMEMBER THAT INTENT DOESN’T MEAN ALL THAT MUCH. WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A CREAMSICLE?

4_cancer

CANCER

June 21 – July 22
Pat a dog on the head and call it your friend. Find a tree and tell it that it’s doing a good job. Red is a good color for you, but you already knew that right? Riiiiight? Okay, if you don’t want to wear red at least live it – this month that means being ruthlessly yourself. That’s never gonna go out of style (oh my god, sorry, that’s so cheesy!!! Let me live tho!!!!). Dump yr boyfriend or your boy friend or your boss or your bad attitude. Whatever’s clever.